MEMECORN

THIS IS A CORN WEBSITE. AND IT'S PERFECT.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT? YOU PROBABLY BUY TOKENS AND THINK YOUR SHIT IS SPECIAL. YOU THINK YOUR 13 MEGABYTE DEFI PROTOCOL IS GOING TO GET YOU SOME MOON BANNER YOU CAN GLUE TO THE TOP CORNER OF YOUR WALLET. YOU THINK YOUR 40-POUND SMART CONTRACT AND 83 GOVERNANCE TOKENS GIVE ETHEREUM A BONER BECAUSE IT FINALLY HAS YIELD FARMING. WRONG. LET ME DESCRIBE YOUR PERFECT CORN TOKEN:

SHIT'S LIGHTWEIGHT AND LOADS FAST

FITS ON ALL YOUR SHITTY SCREENS

LOOKS THE SAME IN ALL YOUR SHITTY BROWSERS

THE MOTHERFUCKER'S ACCESSIBLE TO EVERY ASSHOLE THAT VISITS YOUR SITE

SHIT'S LEGIBLE AND GETS YOUR POINT ACROSS (IF YOU HAD ONE INSTEAD OF JUST 5MB PICS OF CORN DRINKING COFFEE)

WELL GUESS WHAT:

YOU. ARE. OVER-DESIGNING. LOOK AT THIS SHIT. IT'S A CORN WEBSITE. WHY DO YOU NEED TO ANIMATE A TRENDY-ASS BANNER FLAG WHEN I HOVER OVER THAT USELESS PIECE OF SHIT? YOU SPENT HOURS ON IT AND ADDED 80 KILOBYTES TO YOUR SITE, AND SOME MOTHERFUCKER JABBING AT IT ON THEIR IPAD WITH FAT SAUSAGE FINGERS WILL NEVER SEE THAT SHIT. NOT TO MENTION BLIND PEOPLE WILL NEVER SEE THAT SHIT, BUT THEY DON'T SEE ANY OF YOUR SHITTY SHIT.

YOU NEVER KNEW IT, BUT THIS IS YOUR PERFECT CORN WEBSITE. HERE'S WHY.

IT'S LIGHTWEIGHT. THIS ENTIRE PAGE WEIGHS LESS THAN THE GRADIENT-MESHED FACEBOOK LOGO ON YOUR WORDPRESS SITE. DID YOU SERIOUSLY LOAD 100KB OF JQUERY UI JUST SO YOU COULD ANIMATE THE BACKGROUND COLOR OF A DIV? YOU LOADED ALL 7 FONTFACES OF A SHITTY WEBFONT JUST SO YOU COULD SAY "HI." AT 100PX HEIGHT AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR SITE? YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

IT'S RESPONSIVE. YOU DUMBASS. YOU THOUGHT YOU NEEDED MEDIA QUERIES TO BE RESPONSIVE, BUT NO. RESPONSIVE MEANS THAT IT RESPONDS TO WHATEVER SCREENSIZE IT'S VIEWED ON. THIS SITE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU'RE ON AN IMAC OR A TAMAGOTCHI.

IT WORKS. LOOK AT THIS SHIT. YOU CAN READ IT ... THAT IS, IF YOU CAN READ. IT MAKES SENSE. IT HAS HIERARCHY. IT'S USING HTML5 TAGS SO YOU AND YOUR BROWSER KNOW WHAT'S IN THIS SITE. THAT'S SEMANTICS.

IT HAS CONTENT ON THE SCREEN. YOUR SITE HAS THREE BYLINES AND LINK TO YOUR DRIBBBLE ACCOUNT, BUT YOU SPREAD IT OVER 7 FULL SCREENS AND MAKE ME CLICK SOME BOBBING BUTTON TO SHOW ME HOW COOL THE JQUERY SCROLLTO PLUGIN IS.

CROSS-BROWSER COMPATIBILITY? LOAD THIS IN IE6. I DARE YOU.

THIS IS A CORN WEBSITE. LOOK AT IT. YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE BEFORE.

LIKE THE MAN WHO'S NEVER GROWN OUT HIS BEARD HAS NO IDEA WHAT HIS TRUE NATURAL STATE IS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A CORN WEBSITE IS. ALL YOU HAVE EVER SEEN ARE SHITTY SKEUOMORPHIC BASTARDIZATIONS OF WHAT SHOULD BE TEXT COMMUNICATING A MESSAGE. THIS IS A REAL, NAKED CORN WEBSITE. LOOK AT IT. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YES, THIS IS SATIRE

I'M NOT ACTUALLY SAYING YOUR SITE SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS. WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT ALL THE PROBLEMS WE HAVE WITH CORN WEBSITES ARE ONES WE CREATE OURSELVES. CORN WEBSITES AREN'T BROKEN BY DEFAULT, THEY ARE FUNCTIONAL, HIGH-PERFORMING, AND ACCESSIBLE. YOU BREAK THEM.

"GOOD CORN IS AS LITTLE CORN AS POSSIBLE."

- SOME GERMAN GUY